The Power of Ex

Let’s face it, by the time you reach your mid twenties you’ve left in your wake a number of people who you refer to as “exes.” Usually, you use this term when referring to the people that you dated for a period of time that lasted more than a week or two. As you move into your thirties, the list of exes expands to include wives, husbands and in-laws. In general, once you decide that they no longer deserve to be recognized as your significant other, you cut the strings. This you can do tactfully by not returning phone calls or making excuses not to see the other person frequently. Eventually you will move on to dating other people and you forget about the previous experience.

However, there are those people who break-up but decide to stay very good friends. Women sometimes hold on to their exes in the event no one else comes along. These exes are used as stand-ins for a number of things including occasional sex, errands, and loans and so on. Sometimes there are unresolved issues or feelings for the other person and as such they cannot bear to part with them. And of course you have the women who just cut the strings and move on, staying in touch with their exes but keeping their distance at the same time.

Men on the other hand don’t seem to know how to stay friendly while maintaining a distance. They either stay closely in touch with their exes or they cut ties with them completely. For those of you that never even considered that there may have been an ex, now you know why. For others, I’m sure you’ve had to deal with the pesky ex-girlfriend/wife at some point or another that seems to have her grubby little fingers on his pulse. He thinks there is nothing wrong with it and he can’t understand why it bothers you.

Don’t misunderstand. He’s a great guy, an upstanding citizen, great sense of humour, your soul mate, never lies to you – except about her – because he knows that it bothers you when he sees or talks to her. So he lies to you so as not to hurt your feelings. But he didn’t always lie to you about her. When she made him muffins and he brought them home he did tell you they were from her. You weren’t too happy about it but you accepted them gracefully and told him to thank her that they were quite delicious. Or that time he went to her house for thanksgiving because she lived on his way home from work – but then you find out that she lives about thirty miles away from him and 40 miles away from his job.

And it continued downhill from there. He decided that whatever he chose to do with her was none of your business and you simply had to trust him. He wasn’t going to pay for the sins committed by another man [that made you lose your trust.] That without trust there was no relationship and so on and so forth. And he stopped telling you everything altogether.

But you always knew when he saw or spoke with her. Like the time when there was six inches of snow on the ground and he asked you to leave his house because he wanted to go see if his ‘friend’ needed help cleaning her driveway. And that other time when he came home with a little bowl of flour in his hand and when you asked where he got it he told you that he’d always had it. Or when you saw the holiday ornament on his counter and asked where it came from and he said one of his friends gave it to him.

The slide downhill got steeper after you found out that he had gotten her a job at his company and not only was he her reference but that he allowed her to put on her resume that she was joint owner and starter of his other company. This was when you broke and asked him when he was going to tell you. And he said never, that it was none of your business. You asked him for her to change her resume and he said no that he rarely spoke to her and he wanted to keep it that way. But then a week later he told you that she was going camping.

You want to trust him and for the most part you do. But you also know and accept that you’re not first but maybe you are second. She is more important to him than you are and because of that you can never fully trust him. She has demonstrated over the years that she has no respect for you and that he is still hers. Decent women once they let a man go they let them go. Women that still want something hold on.

Your feelings are secondary to hers. She is smarter, funnier and more beautiful than you can ever hope to be. You heard the admiration and adulation in voice when he used to speak of her. In his protection of her he has put her on a pedestal and made her into a superwoman, one that you can never measure up to. You don’t do the things you do out of jealousy. It’s just that your confidence is gone and your insecurities have taken over. You don’t hate her, you try to emulate her. After all, any woman that can hold on to a man to the extent where he will do anything for her even at the cost of loosing his relationship with you is worthy of worship.

You are so different; maybe if you are more like her he will stay with you. If you don’t change when he meets someone else like her he’ll leave you.

Why doesn’t he see that his relationship with her is doing this to you? Maybe he does see, but he’d rather let you go than let her go. You’re a filler until he can truly be with her.

You know that he sees her on holidays and birthdays, don’t you? No? It’s none of your business that’s why. Did you think that it was random that you never see him on holidays? Or that there are weekends when you can’t seem to get in touch with him

Did you really think it was his friend’s underwear you found at his house? He never mentioned his friends staying with him. They were hers, if they weren’t why would he lie. Where do you think your clothes that you leave behind disappear to? It is not by accident that after these years there are no sign of you anywhere in his home. Not one picture or a piece of clothing, it is almost like you’ve never been there. Who will say otherwise? His family and friends do not know of your existence.

Why don’t you tell him how much his relationship with her bothers, how much it hurts when he lies about not seeing or talking to her when you know that he does and quite frequently? Why don’t you give him an ultimatum? Because he’ll choose her.

Anything he chooses to do with her is none of your business; you are never to mention her sweet name from your filthy mouth. You have no right to do so even as a partner. Don’t bring it up. Have you forgotten already that he blamed you when she contacted you? Why don’t you tell him how much it hurts when he takes her side over yours? Now why would you want to do that?

Can’t you tell, the signs are all there. She is not his ex, she’s his partner and you’re the other woman.