Don't feed the humans

This story is hilarious ahahaha. Personally I think Knightley is over rated and the thinks too much of her horsey self.

Keira Knightley: pin-up or put down?
Last Updated: 12:01am BST 31/08/2007

The Atonement star may be a modern screen idol, but her looks have unleashed a battle of the sexes. Jasper Gerard and Becky Pugh fight their corners

Jasper Gerard: A textbook English Beauty

Since Kate Moss porked out a bit, celebrity magazines have been forced to find other young lovelies to illustrate those summer staples headlined: "Fears grow for dangerously thin [fill in the latest name here]".

The woman they often settle on is Keira Knightley, normally shown across a double page in a tiny bikini, looking "dangerously thin". This is accompanied by a "think" piece, invariably by a woman who is less thin, bewailing "whatever happened to the fuller figure all men secretly adore?" Hmm.

Alas, such photos of "painfully thin" Keira do not repel me as they surely should; indeed, even after studying a Knightley "painfully thin" photo for hours, I'm forced to conclude - against my better self - "Nope, I still wouldn't feed her."

Keira Knightley: what's not to like? You see, The Terrible Truth Which Responsible People Are Not Meant To Acknowledge is that most men under 40 like women to look a bit peckish.

In zoos, signs declare "don't feed the animals"; in Hollywood, they don't feed the humans. And that's the deal: we pay stars oodles and drool over them. In return, we get to eat all the Custard Creams.

An editor of another newspaper asked me to write a somewhat counter-intuitive piece recently on why I was apparently driven into a frenzy by photos of Beth Ditto, a veritable walking EU grain mountain of a singer. And lovely though she surely is, and far be it from me to turn down work, I gave up: I didn't, quite literally, have the stomach for it.

You see, the tastes of many men of a certain age were honed by early shots of a "painfully thin" Moss in those heroin-chic days. Older men spluttered; younger ones never recovered.



Now, teenagers who grew up with Knightley's tomboy beauty in Pirates of the Caribbean will never lust after those old-style Page Three girls who looked like they were attached to a pair of giant milk urns.

But Knightley's sexiness springs from far more than her Norfolk-esque flatness, a "flaw" she is the first to joke about. Any youngish guy who says he doesn't find her attractive must a) never have met her or b) be Graham Norton.

I first interviewed her after she had starred in the 2002 remake of Doctor Zhivago. I ambled along with scant enthusiasm: young actresses tend to give good photo but dreary quote. Yet I was spellbound, and not exclusively by her physical charms.

Even calibrating for the obvious truth that we consider beautiful people fascinating and hilarious, she was enormous fun.

I even found myself asking - in that hideously lascivious way of the perspiring older hack - if she had a boyfriend. To which she slapped me on the knee and reminded me she was only 17, and I instantly felt rather ashamed.

Next time I saw her was on a train and I looked up to see her sitting opposite me: disguised in ordinary clothes but unmistakeable.

I was about to shout out a greeting, blowing her disguise to the entire carriage, when she moved a finger to her delectable lips, motioning me to "shh". She smiled, and nothing was said. A review of her role in her new film Atonement accused her of lacking "passion", but that surely misses her appeal.


She is perfect for elegant, period pieces where emotion lies in what is unspoken. If you like your cinematic sex unsubtle, watch Sharon Stone. Knightley attracts because she isn't brassy and upfront.

She is demure, her mischievous sexuality all the more intriguing for hiding beneath a veneer of cut-glass restraint and her loveliness so very English.

Becky Pugh: An unemotive plank of wood

When I look at Keira Knightley I do not see the subtly sexy siren that so many men drool over - I see a mediocre actress who wears a permanent pout. She may be beautiful, demure and successful but to me she is just a pretty plank of wood (albeit one that came briefly to life in her Oscar-nominated role as Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice).

Planks of wood are not sexy. Sexiness is about joie de vivre, and Keira has none. And no, this isn't about her being terribly thin. I don't mind that she is extremely slender, even if it does set a tiresome standard for us lesser mortals. It's just that being that skinny makes it look as though she forgoes the most pleasurable things in life, like food.

Something vital is missing. Where's the oomph in Keira? Where is the sparkle? There is no glint in her eye, no liberating quirkiness with which either sex can fall in love. She should pose less and laugh more; cheer up and chill out.

Perhaps it's because she works too hard.

"I really don't have time for much," she says. "You have to take the work while it's there because it won't be there for ever. I might as well enjoy it now." Exactly! I'd like to see her doing just that.

She gets her roles because the camera adores her perfect face and because she is reliable, giving a wide berth to the hedonistic lifestyle of so many of her contemporaries. In my view she certainly doesn't get them on the strength of her ability to act.

Lots of men fancy Keira, my boyfriend included. He once told me: "I want to sleep with her, but sometimes she looks too thin." Empire magazine once voted her the sexiest movie actress of all time.

Lots of women are bewitched by her. They think she lights up the screen. They watch her rigid, passionless performances and love her unconditionally. Not me. I just want to shake her.

I'm not averse to a pin-up; I have a fair few girl-crushes myself. In fact there are legions of women I love so much that I'd like to be them (Kate Moss in her pre-Pete days, Jade Jagger, Natalie Portman), but I do not want to be Keira Knightley.


Her flaws are not to be overlooked - she is amazingly quick to point them out herself. Her seemingly radiant skin is prone to acne. Her abs are only to-die-for if you like the washboard stomach of a teenage boy.


She lacks an innate sense of style - all those beanies and bovver boots are deeply unsexy. Dressed by stylists in Chanel couture, she is a knock-out. Dressed by herself, she completely misses the mark.


And as for that infuriating pout… I've examined Keira's face in repose a couple of times and concluded that her mouth is normal, entirely pout-free. So why pout? It makes her look sullen at best, deranged at worst.


Finally, and call me bitchy if you must, below that staggering visage lurks a minuscule pair of breasts and a shapeless pair of pins. In a still shot her face is as breathtakingly beautiful as a work of art, but there is a lifelessness about her that I just don't see as sexy.


I understand a man wanting a photograph of Keira on his wall - but not him wanting her in his bed. An unemotive plank of wood.





The Telegraph